Chapter 23: Lord of the Underworld/Transcript

The following is a transcript for the English version of Chapter 23: Lord of the Underworld.

Air Battle
(Pit rushes to the door to start the level.)


 * [If the player enters the level with the Three Sacred Treasures.]


 * (Pit kicks open the Three Sacred Treasures Case, equipping him with the Three Sacred Treasures.)


 * Pit: Equipped again!


 * [If the player enters the level without the Three Sacred Treasures.]


 * (Pit pauses at the Three Sacred Treasures Case and stares at it for a moment.)


 * Pit: I won't be needing the Three Sacred Treasures.

(Pit leaps through the door.)

Palutena: It's finally time for you to square off against Hades. Are you ready?

Pit: I am SO ready! I carbo-loaded and everything!

Palutena: Great!

Palutena: Hades has overstepped his boundaries by exploiting and desecrating souls. He's disrupted the balance between the earth, the heavens, and the Underworld. He must be stopped. YOU must stop him. It's a tall order, but if anyone can do it, I have faith that you can!

Pit: Leave it to me! In the name of the heavens, the earth, the humans, and the souls bound for the afterlife... I WILL defeat Hades!

Palutena: Go now, Pit!

Pit: With pleasure!

(Pit dives down through a ravine.)

Pit: So where's his castle?

Palutena: Hades doesn't have one.

Pit: What?! The lord of the Underworld can't even afford a roof over his head?

Palutena: No, no, it's not like that. This is his realm, so he could be anywhere in this darkness. Or everywhere.

Pit: Then...what's the plan?

Palutena: Just stay alert, Pit. I can sense Hades's presence surrounding us.

Pit: Uh, that's great intel... But do you think you could be a bit more specific? Just a little bit?

(Hades suddenly appears in front of Pit.)

Hades: Hello there!

(Hades punches Pit, sending him flying.)

Pit: Augh!

Hades: I've been so looking forward to your arrival, Pitty Pat.

Pit: Hades!

Hades: Pit!

Pit: Hades!

Hades: Pit!

Pit: Hadeeees!

Hades: Piiiiitttt!

Pit and Hades: It's ON!

(The battle initiates.)


 * [If Pit is equipped with the Three Sacred Treasures.]


 * Hades: Ooh! Do I spy with my little eye the Three Sacred Treasures?


 * Pit: Even your darkness can't hide from the light!


 * [If Pit is not equipped with the Three Sacred Treasures.]


 * Hades: Ooh, not bad, Pitty Pat.


 * Pit: That's right! You'd better watch yourself!

Hades: Now isn't that just... PRECIOUS!

(Hades shoots a massive blast at Pit.)

Pit: Ah-oooooooooooh! Ungh!

Hades: Now that felt good!


 * [If Pit was equipped with the Three Sacred Treasures.]


 * (Pit comes out of the blast, no longer equipped with the Three Sacred Treasures. The Touch Screen displays the treasures in red.)


 * Palutena: Not the Three Sacred Treasures!


 * Pit: What?! NO!


 * Hades: Not quite so tough now, are ya?


 * [If Pit was not equipped with the Three Sacred Treasures.]


 * (Pit comes out of the blast relatively unharmed.)


 * Palutena: Are you OK there, Pit?!


 * Pit: Hades has got some RAUNCHY breath!


 * Hades: That's really the least of your concerns.

(As Pit continues attacking him, Hades suddenly teleports a short distance away.)

Pit: Huh?!

(Hades strikes at Pit.)

Pit: Augh!

Hades: Having fun, Pitty Pat?!

Palutena: Oh, put a lid on it.

Pit: Yeah, shut up!

(Pit defeats Hades.)

Hades: Yowwwww!

(Hades reels and holds his hand over his face, then looks at Pit.)

Hades: You know what, Pitty Pat? You're looking mighty tasty! Down the haaaaaaatch!

(Hades summons a vortex from his mouth, which starts to pull Pit in.)

Pit: No no no no no no no!

Palutena: Get out of there, Pit!

(Pit gets sucked in and the screen goes black.)

Pit: Uh-oh... Where am I?

Land Battle
(Pit finds himself lying down inside Hades's Belly. He then rises to his feet.)

Pit: Lady Palutena? Can you hear me? Hello? ...I guess she can't hear me. Well, I'd better start wiping out bad guys. These guys are like grosser versions of Underworld monsters. Blugh!

Hades: Oh, my. Don't tell me you're still alive, Pitty Pat!

Pit: Hades! Where am I?

Hades: Why, in the belly of the beast, of course!

Pit: Oh, no!

Hades: Oh, yes!

Pit: I'm going to be sick.

Hades: Me, too. Well, there's more than one way to get rid of a bad chicken nugget. Maybe I should just expel you the old-fashioned way.

Pit: No! Please don't do that!

Hades: Can't stop now!

(The ground begins to shake.)

Pit: Nooooooooo!

Hades: Whew. This is more difficult than I expected.

Pit: Oh, man. I am NOT going out this way. That would be the opposite of a hero's death!

(Pit enters a room with large, squishy blocks obstructing his path.)

Pit: What are these? Cells? I'll just bust through them.

(Pit approaches a squishy green block.)

Pit: At this point, heading up has gotta be better than heading down... Ugh. Sooo... Gross...

(Pit takes a green block up to an enclosed room with cellular versions of Underworld troops.)

Pit: I'm trapped! All right, no panicking. Just gotta focus on defeating these enemies. Cells of Hades, hear my words! And, um...see my actions! Uh...something something...I'm going to rain death on you! I can't remember all the words, but that's the general gist.

Hades: My innards have so longed to hear your battle cry. How could you forget the words?

Pit: I didn't have time to rehearse. I've been busy fighting evil, OK?!

(Pit defeats all the enemies in the room.)

Pit: Oh, yeah!

(Pit proceeds through Hades's Belly.)

Pit: If only Lady Palutena were here to help me. She'd be so grossed out.

Hades: Unfortunately for you, I have a stomach of steel.

Pit: So that's why I can't communicate with Lady Palutena.

Hades: And you're just lost without her to do all the thinking for you, aren't you, Pitty?

Pit: She doesn't do ALL the thinking. I have ideas too. Occasionally.

Hades: Then answer me this, little angel. Why exactly are you trying to defeat me?

Pit: We're all responsible for maintaining a certain order in the universe. As lord of the Underworld, you know this better than anyone. But your greed has thrown everything out of order. You've overstepped your bounds by exploiting and desecrating souls. And you've disrupted the balance between the earth, the heavens, and the Underworld.

Hades: I'm impressed by all the big words you used, but I didn't ask for a sermon. Did you come up with that all by yourself, or did you have some divine inspiration?

Pit: Like I said, I have ideas too. Sometimes.

(Pit proceeds through Hades's Belly.)

Pit: It's pretty convoluted in here. This is definitely the weirdest place I've been to yet.

(Pit walks over a spot in the ground that suddenly lifts him up to a group of enemies.)

Pit: Augh! OK, self, pull it together. Out of my way, monsters!


 * [If Pit takes the rising platform behind him.]


 * (Pit drops down from the platform and encounters a Cellular Igniot.)


 * Pit: Augh! No need to lurk all creepily.

(Pit heads upward.)

Pit: "It looks like there's a way forward, Pit." Thanks, Lady Palutena! "But you have to be careful, Pit. You're too handsome to lose." Now that's something we can both agree on! ...I'm really starting to lose it.

(Pit approaches a Grind Rail.)

Pit: How is there a grind rail in here?!

(Pit hops onto the Grind Rail.)

Pit: Weird. I thought grind rails were, like, a gift from the gods.

Hades: I'm hurt. Have you forgotten that your dear friend Hades is a god too?

Pit: But why would you help me get to my destination?! What's in it for you?!

Hades: Always the optimist, Pitty Pat. Who's to say this grind rail goes anywhere at all?

Pit: Uh-oh.

Hades: Just relax and enjoy the ride. Wherever you go, I'm sure you'll be dead.

(Pit takes another Grind Rail.)

Pit: This grind rail just keeps going... And going and going and going.

(Pit arrives inside an enclosed space with no exits.)

Hades: You know, Pitty... I'll miss you when you're gone.

(Hades's arm suddenly bursts in.)

Pit: Augh!

(Hades withdraws his arm, only to throw in a couple more punches.)

Hades: Ha ha ha ha! Surprised?

(Hades withdraws his arm for good.)

Pit: Uh, yeah. How did you just punch yourself?

Hades: Aww, now you're making me feel bad. And when I feel bad...I get hungry.

(Broken structures and Underworld troops fall into the room.)

Pit: Waaaah! What is all this?! STOP eating things! It's bad enough that you eat souls!

Hades: But souls are delicious. They're like bacon—they taste good on everything.

Pit: But if you eat them, you completely remove them from existence! They can't move on or...or be reincarnated!

Hades: Huh. I never really gave it much thought. Besides, what do you mean by reincarnation anyway?

Pit: You know, being reborn as someone or something else.

Hades: Which means a different body, different memories, and different experiences, yes? So isn't being reborn as "something else" the same as being "removed from existence"?

Pit: I... I... Eating souls isn't right!

Hades: That depends on your definition of "right." All living things survive by eating other living things.

Pit: So what? You're a god. You should be above all that!

Hades: Gods are above living things, which doesn't necessarily mean we care about them.

Pit: What?! I can't believe you just said that! That's it! In the name of the living, I WILL destroy you!

Hades: Ugh, you're so boring. I really wish you'd leave. Unfortunately for you, there's only one way out.

Pit: No no no no no!

Hades: Cheer up. You've been PRIVY to a side of me that no one else has—my insides! And now you'll be privy to the inside of a privy too. TootleLOO!

Pit: OK, OK, fine. I give up. Please spare me. PLEASE!

Hades: Obeying the call of nature is part of the cycle of life. Tell me, Pit, why do you hate life?

(Pit heads into a room, which displays footage of Forces of Nature troops on the walls.)

Pit: Hm? What's that?

(The Touch Screen displays Viridi and a hoard of Nutskis.)

Hades: Viridi can't seem to mind her own business. Pardon me, if you will. I must go entertain my guests.

Pit: Hello? If Viridi's army is attacking, they're doing it awfully quietly. "At least I'M doing something, Pit. You're such a slacker. Ugh!" I really need to stop talking to myself.

Boss Battle
(Pit heads through a door and skids to a halt when he notices Hades's Heart.)

Pit: Are you Hades's heart?

(Hades's Heart hops and runs away.)

Pit: Wait! Come back here!

(The battle initiates.)

Pit: I guess I'd better catch it. It's actually pretty cute. Especially when you compare it to his...bowels.

Pit: I thought using souls to create monsters was evil... But at least those souls are being used in some other life. Hades and the Underworld have taken this too far. They've stolen so many souls that they're disrupting the proper balance of things. It's just like what Viridi says about humans disrupting the balance of nature. But it's worse than that because Hades threatens the earth AND the heavens! He has to be stopped! And the only ones who can stop him are Lady Palutena and me. But I guess I'm just talking to myself here. Again. It's just me and that heart. That adorable little heart. Aw, it's so cute! I have to admit, it can really bust a move. Seems almost wrong to destroy it.

Pit: What a pain! I need to get ahead of it instead of chasing it. "And watch out for fakes, Pit!" Thanks, Lady Palutena!

Pit: If my shots have enough homing ability, maybe they'll go over these walls. Some forward-dash charged shots should help get the job done.

(Pit defeats Hades's Heart.)

Pit: Your heart wasn't even in it! ...And I'm still just talking to myself!

Epilogue
(Hades's Heart explodes, sending Pit flying into the air.)

Pit: Whoo-oa-oa-oa-oa!

(Dark Pit, riding inside the Lightning Chariot, suddenly zips by and grabs Pit out of the air. The chariot then bursts out of Hades's chest, allowing Pit to successfully escape.)

Hades: Ugh...

Dark Pit: If it weren't for that explosion, I never would've found you.

Pit: I'm sure glad you did!

Palutena: It's good to see you, Pit!

Hades: That wasn't very NICE!

(Hades reaches forward and attempts to grab the Lightning Chariot, but Palutena teleports it away.)

Palutena: Good-bye, Hades!

(Hades looks at his empty hand.)

Hades: That really hurt.

(Hades strikes a pose.)

Hades: But hey... At least I'm not dead.