Chapter 7: The Seafloor Palace/Transcript

The following is a transcript for the English version of Chapter 7: The Seafloor Palace.

Air Battle

(Pit rushes to the door to start the level.)

Pit: Duty calls! And Pit answers!

(Pit leaps through the door.)

Palutena: We need to refocus our efforts on Medusa, so today's target is Tanatos, god of death.

(Pit flies down through the clouds and arrives at a desert.)

Pit: Tanatos?! You mean THE Tanatos?! Wait... Who's Tanatos again?

(The Touch Screen displays the classic, 8-bit appearances of Tanatos and Medusa from the original Kid Icarus.)

Palutena: Back in the '80s, Tanatos took the form of a snake on Medusa's head. He's quite the chameleon, you see, and that was his "look" back then.

Pit: Great fashion sense. But as god of death, he must be a big deal in the Underworld Army.

Palutena: He possesses a key to the Underworld, and he's leading Medusa's invasion of the sea.

Pit: So I'll be fighting his forces in the sea? How am I supposed to do that?

Palutena: Just use your gills. Tell me, Pit, how are you with branchial respiration?

Pit: Oh, no worries. I minored in branchial respiration. WAIT, YOU'RE CRAZY!

Palutena: OK, just hold your breath then. For about two hours.

Pit: I SAID YOU'RE CRAZY!

Pit: Ahhh, I can smell the ocean.

Palutena: We're heading to Tanatos's base, the Seafloor Palace.

(Pit flies over a steep mound of sand and arrives at the ocean.)

Pit: You were kidding about holding my breath, right?

Palutena: Watch and learn, pupil. Witness the true power of the goddess of light! Ready, set... Dum da da daaah! ♪

(The ocean splits open and forms a path for Pit to take.)

Pit: Whoa ho ho ho hoooaaa! You've outdone yourself, Lady Palutena!

Palutena: Next stop: the Seafloor Palace!

(Pit begins flying through the newly-formed path.)

Pit: This is just one more bullet point on your already-impressive resume!

Palutena: Heh heh! What can I say? I'm an overachiever.

???: Ho, now! Just one second there, lassie!

Pit: Huh?

Palutena: Oh, heh heh... Lord Poseidon!

Poseidon: Tsk, tsk, Palutena. Lies don't become a lady.

Palutena: I'm sorry. But can't a goddess have a little fun?

Pit: So that sea-parting business was...?

Poseidon: 'Twas obviously my doing, silly boy.

Palutena: To pull off an attack on the Seafloor Palace, I went to the sea god himself.

Pit: It all makes sense now.

Poseidon: I wouldn't allow anyone else to part my ocean! In fact, I've half a mind to put it back together!

Pit: No! Please don't do that!

(Pit travels further down through the ocean.)

Palutena: We're going deeper now.

Poseidon: Despite your mischievous ways, you should know you have my full support.

Palutena: Much obliged, Lord Poseidon.

Poseidon: It was bad enough when the dark forces were contained in the Underworld. But extending their reach to the sea and land is completely unacceptable. As the goddess of light, it falls on you to destroy them. I have faith that you will.

Palutena: You have my word.

Pit: Uh, and mine too!

(Pit begins flying through the remains of a destroyed city.)

Pit: I guess this used to be a city?

Poseidon: Yes, but I sunk it long ago.

Palutena: Sunk it? That's a bit...extreme.

Poseidon: Humans consist of equal parts hubris, envy, and deceit. Sometimes one has to put them in their place.

(Pit notices some coral.)

Pit: This coral is sooo beautiful!

Palutena: True, but don't forget the old saying that every coral has its thorn.

Pit: I'm pretty sure you're thinking of roses.

Palutena: And I'M pretty sure I'm thinking of coral.

(Pit reaches the ocean floor.)

Palutena: We've arrived at the ocean floor. Only a little longer until we reach the palace! From there, we'll defeat Tanatos and take his key to the Underworld.

(The Seafloor Palace comes into view.)

Palutena: Look!

Pit: So that's the Seafloor Palace. I thought it'd be covered in barnacles and kelp, but it's actually very nice.

Poseidon: I'll be closing up the sea now. It should wipe out any Underworld stragglers.

Palutena: Just give us one more moment.

Pit: Please! I'm not wearing a life vest!

(Pit flies down into the Seafloor Palace.)

Land Battle

(Pit lands inside the Seafloor Palace.)

Palutena: The sea is closed now.

Poseidon: My work here is finished. Good luck, you two!

Pit: Thanks for your help!

Thanatos: Oh, goody—guests! Protecting an impregnable fortress can get awfully lonely.

Palutena: Is that you, Tanatos?

Thanatos: Actually, I go by Thanatos now. The extra H is for hamazing.

Pit: ...Have we met before?

Thanatos: I'm wounded, truly I am. I know it's been awhile, but surely you haven't forgotten your old foe?

Pit: Sorry... There are just so many foes and only one of me.

Palutena: You know we've crushed Medusa's other commanders, Thanatos. Just give us the key to the Underworld, and we won't be forced to harm you.

Thanatos: Hoo hoo hoo! Impatient as always, I see! But since you've come all this way... Wouldn't you like to stay and catch up for a bit? Oh, pretty please?

Palutena: So you're not going to give up the key.

Thanatos: No need to get all huffy now. I'll have you know that I much prefer honey to vinegar. And I prefer witty repartee to any condiment!

Pit: This is getting nowhere. Our goal here is to track down Medusa, right?

Palutena: Yes. Thanatos is basically Medusa's right-hand man. That's why he has the only key to the Underworld.

Thanatos: I have no such thing! None whatsoever! Honestly. HONESTLY.

Pit: How did THIS guy get to be Medusa's second in command?

Palutena: Beats me. Seniority?

Thanatos: Helloooo? It's rude to exclude!

Pit: OK, if Thanatos won't give up the key, we'll have to take it from him.

Palutena: The longer we wait, the more we have to lose. We need to strike soon. We only have a little way to go, so buckle down.

Pit: I'm buckled and ready!

Thanatos: Yoo hoo! Can you hear me? I'd like to be a part of this conversation please!

Pit: Shut it already!

Thanatos: Me? But you've been talking this whole game!

• [If Pit enters the level 9 Intensity Gate.]

(Pit enters a room with shallow water.)

Palutena: It seems like there's an electric current running through the water here.

Thanatos: Oh, my. An excess of frizowatts must have overloaded the dooziestat.

Pit: Riiiight.

Palutena: Hurry over the water when the current stops, Pit.

(Pit approaches a set of three Grind Rails.)

Palutena: The grind rails run parallel to each other, so you can switch between them. Stay focused on what's coming up!

• [If Pit proceeds to the next room by taking the green or blue Grind Rail at the end.]

Pit: Wait! Is that a hole up there?!

Palutena: Uh-oh!

(Pit falls through the hole, arriving in a room full of enemies.)

Pit: Ooof!

Palutena: Everything OK?

Pit: It just surprised me.

Palutena: There are more holes in the floor around you, so be careful. It makes us both look bad when you fall. Oh, and it hurts too.

(Pit proceeds through the palace and winds up back in the lobby.)

Pit: Weren't we here already?

Palutena: Yes, but there's good news! A new path has appeared. Follow it to move forward.

(Pit enters a room with an icy floor.)

Pit: Whoa! It's slippery!

Thanatos: Hoo hoo! Isn't skating just delightful?

Palutena: I wish MY domain had a skating rink.

Pit: Yeah, it's really...great.

(Pit reaches an elevator.)

Pit: An elevator! Well, that's convenient.

Palutena: Going up.

Palutena: Now approaching...the second floor.

Pit: This play-by-play really isn't necessary.

Thanatos: Now approaching...the third floor.

Pit: ...

Palutena: ...

Thanatos: Are you two ignoring me?

• [If Pit falls into the ditch with the Pluton.]

Palutena: Watch out for that Pluton. If it steals items from you, defeat it and take them back.

• [On the bridge next to the ditch with the Pluton, a weapon conversation or random conversation may trigger.]

(Pit heads down a bridge, which collapses beneath him.)

Pit: Gah!

Palutena: Just your run-of-the mill trap door. Shake it off and keep moving.

(Pit enters a room with a Vakloom.)

Palutena: See that mollusk-like enemy? It's called a Vakloom.

Pit: So what's its deal?

Palutena: It absorbs the energy of ranged shots and then fires it back at you as a laser. Until it fires at you, though, it remains protected by an armored shell.

Pit: Well, if it's hungry for shots, the only thing to do is shoot it. I'll get it out of that shell any way I have to!

(Pit jumps onto a moving platform.)

Pit: What's this?

Palutena: Looks like a moving platform. Stay on it.

Thanatos: Let me jazz things up for you a smidge. We do have to keep things interesting! Hoo hoo hoo!

Thanatos: Keep on trooping, little trooper!

Palutena: I'm curious about something, Thanatos.

Thanatos: Yes?

Palutena: You are the god of death, are you not? And if the Underworld is the land of the dead, why don't you outrank Medusa?

Thanatos: I'm not really interested in climbing the corporate ladder. You wouldn't believe the amount of overtime you have to put in. Plus, that sort of strict hierarchy isn't the Underworld style.

Palutena: You're avoiding my question.

Thanatos: What was that? You seem to be cutting out! La la laaaaa la! I can't heeeear you!

Pit: It's hard to get a good read on him... I can't tell if he's weird or just dim.

Thanatos: A-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa.

(Pit heads into another room.)

Palutena: Thanatos should be in the next room over.

Pit: Oh, goody! Then do let us get to the fisticuffing!

Boss Battle

(Pit rushes into the boss room, where he finds Thanatos lazily floating above his throne.)

Thanatos: Oooah! I must have dozed off there.

(Thanatos stands up and stretches.)

Thanatos: Hooah. Waiting around is such exhausting work!

Pit: Heroes always arrive late on the scene!

(Pit strikes a pose and the battle initiates.)

Palutena: Thanatos is a skilled chameleon. Don't be surprised if he changes into a spider or scorpion or cockroach or tick... Or a moth or lizard or leech or tapeworm or centipede or bat or snake or...cat.

Pit: But a cat...would be kind of cute, right?

Thanatos: I'm tempted to reach for my book of snappy comebacks, but... Maybe I should just show you? And a one, and a two... And a ONE, TWO, THREEE!

• [If Thanatos transforms into an urn.]

Thanatos: I'm just going to catch a few z's here. By the way, your attacks are useless.

Palutena: There must be some way to hurt him. Why don't you try hitting those skulls back at him?

• [If Thanatos transforms into a bat.]

Thanatos: Keee keee!

Pit: That's not even what a bat sounds like!

Thanatos: Woop woop woop woop woop!

Pit: And neither is that! This is getting really annoying really fast!

• [If Thanatos transforms into a sword.]

Thanatos: Slicety slice! Dicety dice! Stabbity stab stab stab stab!

Pit: No need to sound so gleeful!

Palutena: Maybe you can get the sword to hit the spears when they're in the ground.

• [If Thanatos transforms into a nesting doll.]

Pit: What's this?!

Palutena: It looks like he turned into a doll.

(The Thanatos doll pops open, revealing a smaller doll.)

Pit: There's something inside of the doll!

Palutena: Wait... Inside Thanatos...is a mini Thanatos? I wonder if they sell these in the gift shop.

(After each doll opens and reveals a smaller one, a tiny Thanatos finally emerges from the last one.)

Pit: Ah ha! There he is!

• [If Thanatos transforms into a giant foot.]

Pit: A foot?

Palutena: Really, how much harm could—

Thanatos: Ever heard of athlete's foot?!

(Pit defeats Thanatos.)

Pit: Crushing victory!

Thanatos: Crushing defeat!

Epilogue

(Thanatos begins to spin in place.)

Thanatos: Fareweeeeell!

(Thanatos disappears and the Underworld Key appears in his place.)

Palutena: Pick up that gem, Pit.

(Pit picks up the key and observes it.)

Palutena: This is our key to the Underworld.

Pit: And I just have...to hold it?

(A light shines down over Pit.)

Palutena: More or less. But first, we have to get you geared up for the final battle.

(Pit tosses the key into the air and catches it, then Palutena whisks him away.)